Filed under: Family, Me, My Business, Singing

Things are getting better. I still think about Erin from time to time, but I feel that I’m healing.

As for life, its busy. I have a party this week, followed by another next week. Then another on the 24th. In between that, we will be celebrating Leilani’s 11th birthday. Then comes May when chaos ensues. I’ll be having a birthday, Lauralei will be turning 2, I have 3 parties, and then school is out. Whew!

I do hope that my parties won’t burn out over the summer. I’m having so much fun teaching the pole parties. And I’m still learning the ropes of how to do this business.

There isn’t much more to tell…

I did audition for Alaska’s Got Talent which was just an audition for America’s Got Talent. Nobody called me, so I assume I’m not what they are seeking. I think I did a decent job, but oh well. Their loss right?

It was nice having Leilani watch me. None of the kids had ever been to an audition before. She calmed me. She stood right behind the camera man, so when I got nervous I looked at her and all was right with the world. Looking at her even helped me remember the words! I love that kid. Even if she does drive me insane with her constant chatter.

My X-POLE should be arriving tomorrow (I hope!). I ordered it because though I love my Lil Mynx Pole, I needed something less invasive to put under people’s ceilings. Already I scraped the paint off of a friend’s ceiling and I don’t want that to happen again, or worse. Its portable, but I don’t think its as ceiling friendly as the X-POLE. And the X-POLE spins too!

I made Bronze last month with Brown Bag. I reached over $500 in sales and had one rep under me. Now I have 2. My goal is to reach Gold in the next few months (that requires 5 reps under me). But ultimate goal is to reach Executive by next year (which requires 10 reps). That would be awesome! And I’ll be making a lot more money. I can see myself staying at that level for a long time…

What I really want to do is…Get good at it. Learn advanced moves. Be fit. Then someday buy a retail space and turn it into a pole studio…and if I don’t get there, I can always work as a teacher at one, so I guess its not a total loss. I know I’m dreaming…and when I dream, I dream big. But who doesn’t?

Filed under: Friends, Me

I had her number and email in my phone and in my Gmail account…I left them there for months, thinking she would come back to me. But I know what I have to do now.

Today I heard this song on the radio and I thought about us.

No matter what you say about love,
I keep coming back for more,
Keep my hand in the fire,
Sooner or later, I get what I’m asking for

Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you

Filed under: Friends, Love

I saw a movie called “88 Minutes” yesterday. The main character said a wonderful quote.

“If I can’t forgive you, I don’t deserve you…”

Hearing it touched me and helped me realize that nobody deserves me and my friendship, if they cannot forgive me for what I have done. Especially if I have done nothing wrong at all…

Thank you Al Pacino.

Filed under: Depressing, Friends

Well I just typed a bunch of crap and erased it because it sounded so angry.

This entry is about Erin.

For months I have mourned the loss of her friendship. And tonight I spoke with her ex and he told me that she was right in not forgiving me for being absent at her mom’s memorial service. Him saying that drove the knife a little deeper into my heart.

Erin stopped talking to me, emailing me, calling me, seeing me after that day. Like I didn’t exist.

I have no closure. I keep seeking her out, trying to gain some perspective on this.

In August it will be a year. Its already been 9 months since I last spoke with her.

You know what? I really don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I needed to get it off my chest.

Its a struggle to make anyone understand my reasoning. I was crying tonight and tried not to make any sound so Matt wouldn’t notice. But, he did and he asked me about it. I told him it was nothing, but then he made me talk and once he knew he rolled his eyes and acted like I was an idiot.

And maybe I am… but..

I was raised by a very loving, forgiving mom and that all rubbed off on me. So if I’m hurting when someone no longer wants to be a part of my life, I’m sorry. That is who I am. I’m just too sensitive for this world I guess.

For anyone reading this probably seems like a trivial thing…its just life.

But for me, its much bigger than that. Erin was a huge chunk of my life. And now she is gone. And for me…its becoming a struggle to get over her…