Filed under: Me

It’s been a pleasant weekend with Matthew and the kids. We didn’t do much, but just spending time with each other was enough. Yesterday I invited my brother Joey to go see “Dawn Of The Dead” with me. He had already planned on taking his friend with him, so I suggested we all go see it together. He picked me up a couple hours later and we went to the movie. When the movie was over my brother offered his own suggestion to eat at Applebees. This shocked me of course. Usually I feel he wants nothing to do with me. So we ate together and my brother surprised me by paying for me and his friend. It was the first time he has ever spent his money on me. I felt sort of honored. I almost think that moment required an award for him.

We small talked here and there and conjured up a few good memories of our childhood. He was quiet most of the time. His friend was more interested in what I had to say, than he was. Joey has been that way since he became a teenager. Thats my father in him. His friend used to have a crush on me and I could’ve sworn he still does, by the way he looked at me. He is supposedly gay, but I have a feeling if I wasn’t married, he wouldn’t be gay at all. Maybe he is just confused. Oh that was wrong to say.

A part of me felt sad that I never put any moves on the boy. He was always so quiet though. I never knew what he was thinking. I was too scared that he would be disgusted if he knew I liked him. Thats my problem. Always thinking I’m disgusting looking. Thanks dad for instilling that into my brain.

There are only 3 guys I know of that liked me. Possibly 4. I didn’t give them the time of day. The first was a dork. I was a freshman at Moanalua High School. My friend thought this guy liked her. She told me he was always staring at her and it made her uncomfortable. She was much prettier than I, so it made sense. Turns out he liked me and was always looking at me in our little group. I was walking up the stairs to class one day and he came up to me. Said something like “Excuse me”. I turned around with my books in hand, wanting to rush up to my class. I quickly asked if he liked Jennifer. He said no, he liked me. I was frustrated and in a hurry, so I wasn’t very nice. The only thing I could say was “Ok, bye”. He had asked a question though and I said no to it. I don’t recall whatever it was. When I told my friend it was me he liked, she laughed. He never bugged me again.

The second was a guy I met on a local BBS (bulletin board system) before the internet. The site was Lunatics Asylum. Such a fitting place for people like me and him. John seemed really nice. I don’t remember how we met. I think it might’ve been the time I went to Village Inn with Erin. He came in the door wearing a leather jacket and jeans with a face quite like Pee Wee Herman. It was eerie in a way. He was extremely nice and very funny. I think I was 18 at the time and he was 23. We snuck into a bar with him and a friend once. He got up on stage and sang “Friends In Low Places” and another song. John was hilarious and everyone loved him. I found out later he liked me. We went and saw a movie together. I think he really wanted to kiss me then. The last time I saw him I had invited him over to my parent’s house. I was being a loser then. My “fuck buddy” Chris (whom I only screwed about 3 times actually haha) went and bought some wine coolers for me and Erin. John took a bus because his car wasn’t working. When he arrived I was ready to drink the wine coolers. So I went downstairs to my room, leaving him upstairs with Erin and Chris. I drank all 6 of them and then came back up. He wanted to go home by then. Poor guy. I told him I was too wasted to take him. So I believe Chris took him home, or he got a ride. I don’t remember. Erin told me a few other things, but her memory is just as shot as mine. I also think she likes to throw in some “extra” facts to make me feel worse.

Years later in 1998 I saw John with his new girlfriend. Her name was Deanna. She and I had met before off the BBS. She was a messed up bimbo who really had nothing going for her. I think she had a child by a loser at that time too. So she was with John at my work Christmas party. I was pregnant with Leilani. I saw them and felt immediate guilt. Walking over with a smile on my face I introduced myself again and told him I was very sorry for the way I treated him. I don’t think either one of them cared. They chuckled when I walked away. I wonder if they called me a fat cow or something. Ouch. That hurts. Just recalling that giggle between them.

The third guy of course is my brother’s friend Ron. He used to come over when he was 13 and hang out in our house. I would always say hi to him. He was one of the nicest friends my brother had. I liked him. I always thought he was cute, just too quiet. As the years passed and I became a senior in high school, he stopped coming over as frequently. Then after I met Matthew I never saw him again. It wasn’t until last year that we were reunited. My mother was living with us last year, before her move to Orlando. One day Ron had come along. From the way my mom put it, he seemed very excited to see me again. When he walked in the door my heart thumped like mad. He was still so cute. He actually had some facial hair. His poor face though, was covered with acne. Ron seemed like he hadn’t changed at all. Just grown up. He still hovers above me. The nicest thing he said when our eyes met was “Mary, you still look the same”. That was great and it made me smile. I would much rather look like I did in high school, than how I look presently. And if I look like that in Ron’s eyes, all the better.

Yesterday, when my brother came to pick me up, Ron was the one driving. I was very happy to see him again and he had a big smile on his face too. As we walked into the movie theatre we got on the subject of how I used to look. I told him I was huge after I had Forrest. He said “Mary you were never fat! I just about melted. What a sweetheart. He must really still like me. I don’t know. Its just nice to know that someone who isn’t your husband still finds you attractive. I could be just looking at this the wrong way and he is being nice. But no matter. It feels really good. I need that right now.