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I haven’t written in such a long time that I don’t know where to begin.

Let’s see. I flew down to Orlando with Lauralei and stayed with my mom for a week. It didn’t feel like a very welcome visit. My aunt Linda wasn’t happy about our stay and my aunt Margie (who lives with my grandma) didn’t seem very keen on loaning her baby items to us. She did well letting us borrow her extra car seat and the playpen her toddler never uses, but she didn’t give Lauralei any toys. So my mom had to find little things around the house, like measuring cups, spoons, plastic bowls, and boxes.

The first few days of our stay weren’t bad. Our health was fine and we were discovering how neat my mom’s house was and the air was so warm…and then all hell broke loose. Lauralei and I developed coughs and our allergies got worse. My mom cleaned her house top to bottom prior to our arrival and spent a lot of money in the process. I figured the cleaning wouldn’t help, but I wasn’t sure Lauralei had asthma.

My aunt Linda wasn’t happy and it showed. She took her anger and frustration out on mostly my mom, but a lot on Lauralei and I. The last couple of days in the house (before we fled to a hotel), she ignored us mostly. I didn’t know what to say. I cooked a couple of meals and helped clean the house, even when my chest was tight and I couldn’t breathe and yet I got no thanks for it.

Lauralei’s clinginess was horrible. I hated every second of it. She wanted to be near me constantly and at night, wanted to sleep on top of me. I was so tired when I came home to Alaska that I went right to bed  and didn’t wake up until 8 or 9 in the morning, which is so unlike me. Usually I get up at 6 or 7. It took me a week to recover.

Luckily my asthma is getting better, even though I came home to a cold virus my generous son gave to me. It seems to have made its rounds. Lauralei and my mom are still battling it, but I think that has to do with their ages. I hope none of it leads to a doctor visit.

Going to Florida wasn’t all a bust. I did get to be with my grandma for a short while and see Emily again Plus I saw Cranes Roost (which has turned out beautifully) and my mom and I took Lauralei to Disney’s Animal Kingdom. We didn’t know it closed at 5 and we arrived at 3, so we were only able to go on the Safari and see A Bug’s Life, but it was well worth it. I bought some really cool souvenirs for Leilani and Forrest and my mom – who had never been – enjoyed herself thoroughly.

The past few nights I kind of regret ever leaving the state because of Lauralei’s clinginess. She doesn’t want to be away from me and when she is, she repeats “mama” over and over again, until I come and rescue her. Last night was the worst night in Lauralei history ever! I had to come out of her room several times and get a hold of myself. It was that bad. She was screaming and jumping up and down in her crib. The neighbors at one point pounded on the wall for her to stop (gotta love this duplex living..ugh). I have been a walking basket case lately. I don’t know if my brain can take much more of this crap from her. Last night I contemplated getting in the car and driving away to – I don’t know – somewhere! Just to have some peace and sanity.

I wonder why I had two amazing babies who were amazing toddlers and now are bratty, but pretty well behaved children. And why I had one horrible baby who is turning into a horrible toddler…who may turn into an even worse behaved older child. I keep trying to think back on all the horrible things I did (or at least, what I think were horrible things…) to give me such bad karma.

My pole business isn’t going well. I had ONE party. And it wasn’t even a real party and I only got paid a measly $15 because I was stupid and said it was ok to have only the bachelorette play on the pole. I have spent so much on this business only to have it backfire in my face. I feel really stupid.

The problem is, I love teaching it, but I don’t love the business side of it – the spa side, which is supposed to be the one that helps me move up and go on trips and make more money, yadda yadda yadda. The company is screwy and unorganized. And there have been times I’ve thought its a scam. BUT, they did pay me. Even though the first check wasn’t signed and the second one they sent didn’t work, so our bank charged us, but the company fixed the glitch and the money was deposited.

At this point I’m unsure of what I’ll do. There is too much thinking involved.

In other depressing news, my writing school dropped me. I was supposed to re-write my last assignment and I swear I was going to get to it, but I never had the time to sit down (ALONE) and think and let the creative juices flow. Not a good excuse, but it really is how I write. I must be alone and not have anyone bothering me (I can barely write this entry with Lauralei calling on me and other various distractions via older kids ). So they dropped me because I couldn’t get it done. I can still turn it in, if I pay a reinstatement fee, which they said is little. Which probably means its $100. I was heartbroken when I read their letter and I feel like a failure, because I’ve done this to myself before – started something that I loved but ended up not finishing. I could list those things right now, but I don’t have time.

In another sad part of my life my father is getting worse with his alcoholism. My uncle doesn’t think he will live much longer if he keeps up the abuse. My dad called me last night sounding incredibly sober. He told me he was going to fly to the Ukraine (I don’t know how he is affording this trip) and try to reconcile with his wife. The one he married years ago after he divorced my mom. He thinks he can get her to come back with him, but it won’t happen. I don’t love the idea of my already alcoholic father going to a land where they love to drink as much as he does. And its such a foreign place. I worry that he will die there and I won’t have any way to get him back home.

Before I end this on such another sad note, I will say we had a decent Christmas. The kids received too many gifts, I grew to dislike my MIL’s boyfriend even more, and I realized that I’m tired of so much stuff each year. Next year Christmas is going to be different and we are going to give more to people who need all this stuff. I feel guilty in having all that we do and there is no reason why we can’t give to someone who is less fortunate than we are.

My brother called last night to chat. He and I have a strange relationship, but its a relationship nonetheless and I will take what I can get. Its better than what we used to have, which was nothing.It was a nice conversation until he told me that he finally spoke with Erin’s brother John.

Now a little back story, since I haven’t written about her in forever. Erin is/was one of my best friends growing up in Eagle River, Alaska. We went to high school together and shared many an adventure. Our relationship has been tumultuous at times and great at others. Erin is the only person who can bring out the idiotic goof in me. She has memories of things I don’t remember and I have memories of things she can’t remember. We are like two magnets, that when you try to press together, they shift and don’t stick. Sometimes she just isn’t good to me, but I have always wanted to remain her friend, no matter what we go through.

Her mom died in June 2008. I was there for Erin the first few days after she died. I made an effort to come out and see her and to make sure she was ok. I made her a meal and gave her flowers, because I wanted her to have something good to eat so she and her son wouldn’t have to cook. I wanted to do so much more. I had all these ideas, but time, money, and travel issues were key.

Her mom’s memorial service was a couple weeks after her death. I wanted to be there and asked Matthew if he could take off work, but he couldn’t. I didn’t have anyone to babysit the kids because I didn’t think they would behave at her service and I knew Lauralei wouldn’t hold still. So, I didn’t go. The day of the memorial I called, but wasn’t allowed to speak with Erin. The lady that lived with her (who had helped take care of her mother) said she was getting ready and in her voice you could tell she wasn’t happy with me. I told her I was sorry I couldn’t make it.

For weeks after that day I tried calling her. I left messages on MySpace. I left sweet comments with pictures and graphics. I didn’t know what else to do. I thought she and I were still friends.

But I learned last night, from my brother, the reason she has been avoiding me for months is because I wasn’t at her mom’s service. In Erin’s eyes, I wasn’t there for her at a time when I should have been.

I went over it in my head so many times last night, wondering if I did the right thing. I feel now I should have tried harder to get a babysitter. Or maybe I should have gone with the kids, though I think it would have been a disaster.

Last night was such a mess with Lauralei’s screaming and crying…I was screaming and crying inside. My heart hurts so bad for the way that this was handled. I think that she could have at least told me goodbye instead of making me believe for 2 months, I was still her friend.

And if my mom were to die and I invited someone I loved and needed, would I be upset if they didn’t come to her funeral? Would I hold that against them and never speak to them again?

Not me. I would never do what Erin has done to me, to anyone.

Tags:Christmas, death, florida, friendship, orlando, sleep, toddler

1. Dec
   30

   Emily Says:

   I’m sorry things are so crappy lately. It sucks that your friend didn’t even let you explain what happened! I think that’s totally unreasonable of her, hopefully with some time she will realize that and get over it.

   I’m hoping 2009 will be a better year in general as it hasn’t been good for me or anyone I know.

   December 30th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
2. Jan
   4

   Theresa Says:

   Sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough time of it lately!! I am appauled at how your family treated you while you were visiting!! Hopefully the pole thing might pick up, maybe more word of mouth will help, it might just take some time. And that really sucks about Erin. I think she’s being selfish and unreasonable. I’m sure she missed you and wished you were there, but doesn’t she have any siblings or anyone else who could have helped her?? I mean, she’s got to understand the cost and the trouble travel can be with three kids! I hope that in time she can at least talk to you about this. I’m wishing you good things in 2009!!

   January 4th, 2009 at 6:17 pm

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