Filed under: Friends, Me

I had her number and email in my phone and in my Gmail account…I left them there for months, thinking she would come back to me. But I know what I have to do now.

Today I heard this song on the radio and I thought about us.

No matter what you say about love,
I keep coming back for more,
Keep my hand in the fire,
Sooner or later, I get what I’m asking for

Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you

Filed under: Friends, Love

I saw a movie called “88 Minutes” yesterday. The main character said a wonderful quote.

“If I can’t forgive you, I don’t deserve you…”

Hearing it touched me and helped me realize that nobody deserves me and my friendship, if they cannot forgive me for what I have done. Especially if I have done nothing wrong at all…

Thank you Al Pacino.

Filed under: Depressing, Friends

Well I just typed a bunch of crap and erased it because it sounded so angry.

This entry is about Erin.

For months I have mourned the loss of her friendship. And tonight I spoke with her ex and he told me that she was right in not forgiving me for being absent at her mom’s memorial service. Him saying that drove the knife a little deeper into my heart.

Erin stopped talking to me, emailing me, calling me, seeing me after that day. Like I didn’t exist.

I have no closure. I keep seeking her out, trying to gain some perspective on this.

In August it will be a year. Its already been 9 months since I last spoke with her.

You know what? I really don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I needed to get it off my chest.

Its a struggle to make anyone understand my reasoning. I was crying tonight and tried not to make any sound so Matt wouldn’t notice. But, he did and he asked me about it. I told him it was nothing, but then he made me talk and once he knew he rolled his eyes and acted like I was an idiot.

And maybe I am… but..

I was raised by a very loving, forgiving mom and that all rubbed off on me. So if I’m hurting when someone no longer wants to be a part of my life, I’m sorry. That is who I am. I’m just too sensitive for this world I guess.

For anyone reading this probably seems like a trivial thing…its just life.

But for me, its much bigger than that. Erin was a huge chunk of my life. And now she is gone. And for me…its becoming a struggle to get over her…

Filed under: My Business, Rants

February was a whirlwind of activity! I had 5 parties! One practically every week. I have my 6th party next weekend. Luckily two people booked from my last party but those aren’t until April, so I am crossing my fingers I get more soon.

Matt set me up with my own checking account and I have a credit/debit card. I love it because it’s making me more accountable for my spending. Normally if I were to buy something I’d swipe a random credit card in my wallet (we have way too many) and never worry about where the money came from or how much I spent. But now that I know exactly how much I have in my account, I’m more cautious.

I feel so independent now!

Last week I signed up a new recruit. So now I can say I have a “downline”! If she becomes active this month (by having a party), I will move up to Bronze!!! I am really excited about that, so I’m trying to help her with whatever she needs. I can’t believe I’ve moved along so fast! My upline just moved up to Bronze and she has been doing Brown Bag for a year!

Yesterday Forrest and I finally had some together time. I bought him a hot chocolate, a book at Barnes & Noble he’d been wanting, and a flannel sheets set at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

I can’t explain how nice it feels to be able to buy whatever I want for the kids and NOT feel guilty later for buying it. Matt did try to stop me by giving me a lecture on how the kids didn’t need new sheets and that I should buy them at Walmart because they would be cheaper (and crappier quality duh).

Next time I’m not going to tell him my plans. It’s my money and I earned it.