Filed under: Family, Me, My Business, Rants

I am 5 days now Post-Op. I had surgery on my leg Monday because it was my only option. I was scared (mostly about Anesthesia) but I made it through ok

My leg and foot are feeling a lot better than they were. It still swells when I put it down or have to get up, but for the most part, it’s progressing. I took a lot of Percocet the first few days. Now I’m down to one. I don’t like the side effects. Makes me wonder why anyone would want to take these on purpose. They take away the pain but I certainly don’t have a euphoric high.

Next Monday I get to see the doctor again. He’ll probably take my stitches out if the wound looks good. I may be getting a cast too. Hopefully whatever happens is for the best. I’m tired of all this bad luck.

Speaking of, our oven died. The stove works, but the oven doesn’t cook food well. And we just bought it last year. We didn’t fill out the registration or warranty forms. Bad idea. Yeah, don’t ever do that.

I’ve been working on my MySpace page and I think it looks nice. I need to get an avatar up. I want one of my Barbie on the pole business card holder I own, but haven’t had a chance to take a picture. That is another thing I’ve been slacking on. Pictures. I have so many from the beginning of the year to now, just sitting in my cameras. I need to update my Flickr.

It sucks not being able to do anything. I miss cleaning and I miss cooking. I miss being able to tuck my baby girl into bed and sing her good night. I miss helping out with the kids.

Matt has a short fuse and yells a lot. This angers me because yeah, I yell some, but not like that. He needs to have more patience with them. I’ve told him this a few times and he says he knows, but he doesn’t understand. I swear I married my father. Great job Mary.

So the marriage is rocky, we are way in over our head with bills, I’m handicapped, the oven is broke, my business is postponed until I heal, Leilani needs braces, the kids need clothes and school supplies, yadda yadda yadda.

I’m really hoping a bit of luck runs our way soon. Thinking about our run of bad, exhausts me.

Filed under: Me

So many years. Such a waste of them all. Stupid Charade.

Filed under: Me, Rants

Well dear blog. It looks like you and me are going to be close buddies for a while.

I went and fell down the stairs again. This time I didn’t walk away with a screwed up tailbone. No, I actually broke a bone in my left leg. I am so talented!

I was walking down the stairs towards the front door and Leilani and her purse were sitting there. My foot went into her purse’s handle and I tried kicking it off while walking (don’t ever do what I did). Well instead of catching the next step with my foot, I sorta flew forward and onto the landing, missing those last 2 steps entirely. I landed right on my stomach which in turn knocked the wind out of me. My left AND right leg were crumpled underneath me. I felt something in my left leg snap and the pain was enormous. At that point I either went into shock or I was fainting, because the world was going bye bye. Matt was there at my side immediately and freaking out. Told me to stay with him and yadda yadda yadda.

I needed water so I asked for it and they brought me a water bottle. I drank and breathed and tried to stay afloat in the world. I was scared that I was dying, which now is silly, but when you go through something like that you aren’t thinking rationally. It took me 15 minutes to come back into reality. Thats when I knew I couldnt get up. So Matt helped me hobble over to the couch and that’s where I laid for an hour until we went to the Emergency Room with all 3 kids in tow.

I had x-rays and was told I’d be getting a half-cast because my Fibula looked broken. They said next week (which is this week now) I should call the Orthopedic Surgery whose name they would give me, and schedule an appointment for a more permanent solution.

So today is Monday and its been a hell of a weekend.

I wish I had lost tons of weight before I broke my leg. Because hauling 220 pounds of fat and muscle around is extremely taxing.

I’m too afraid to try hopping up and down the stairs with my crutches because I’ve already fallen once. And that HURT. I had to put weight on my left leg in order to not fall completely over and I felt something move around. Eek!

To go up the stairs I haul my ass up, each step. It takes me 10 to 13 minutes. Maybe more. To go down the stairs I slide down. That goes a lot faster. Yesterday I went downstairs so I could hang out with the family until Matt left for work. It was great until I had to come back. So I vowed last night that I would stay right where I am for the rest of the day. In bed. Even though it hurts my tailbone so much.

I’ve put Leilani and Forrest to work a lot. They are pretty good about it but do get tired of doing everything. Yesterday Matt had to work but he didn’t want to leave me alone. I tried calling some friends over, but they were too busy. Have lives of their own and problems of their own and I understand that.

I was worried that he’d have to come home because it was getting tough with Lauralei escaping every second out of the living room, but we made it to 7 and he got home. Sundays he earns overtime. And goodness knows we need all the money we can get right now because of the huge hospitals bills we’ll be getting. I don’t have insurance. So all of this REALLY sucks right now.

I’ve been complaining a lot and I shouldn’t. I need to just suck it up and be thankful that I will still be able to walk when this is over. I still have both legs. My right leg is ok, which is my most needed leg. And nothing else is broken.

I’m just sad I guess. Its hard NOT to be sad when you are stuck in a bed or on a couch all day long and you can’t do anything, except get up and go to the bathroom. I can’t cook meals for the kids or take care of them and I can’t clean my house. I can’t do my Pole Dancing job. I can’t practice for the half-marathon I was going to do in August. So yeah, I’m sad right now. But I’ll get over it in due time. I think things will be a lot better after I get whatever I’m going to get from this Orthopedic doc and he tells me just how long its going to be until I can get it off. I was losing weight and everything and this is a HUGE setback. But I am going to try my hardest to continue to eat right.

And hopefully we don’t have to file for bankruptcy. I’m scared that this injury is going to cost us all that we have. I don’t believe in anything, but it would be nice if some tiny miracle could occur right now.

Filed under: Dieting, Kids, Me, My Business

I’m sorry little blog. I forgot you were here!

I have so much to talk about too.

Hrm…how to begin?

Let’s start with my job.

I love it!!! I have at least 3 pole parties a month. My goal is to get 5, but most of the time it doesn’t work out that way. Something always comes up and the Hostess has to cancel with me. It’s upsetting. I think a lot of people don’t understand that this IS my job. The money I earn is MY spending money. Most of the time I use it to buy marketing materials or something for the house or kids, so when I have enough left over to spend on myself its a real treat.

The “romance” part of the company is ok. At first it was great but lately its been a thorn in my side. The company only has Fed Ex 2-day shipping for Alaska. So if I order more catalogs or demos, I have to eat the shipping. I hate it and as of late have been contemplating leaving the company to pursue my own pole party business. I’m going to give myself a little time to think about it more though.

Mother Nature has been very generous to us with the weather this summer. It has been beautiful out and WARM! The kids play outside almost every day. I was hoping we would do some fun family things this year, but Matt hasn’t been keen on any of my ideas. I may just kidnap the kids and take them to Seward with me one day before school starts. Life is for living. Not sitting around doing nothing!

Lauralei is 2 now and Leilani is 11. Forrest will be 9 in October. I can’t believe I have an 11 year old! I put her birthday on my 2010 calendar because I had to write down a dentist appointment they have in January. Writing the number 12 felt very awkward. I stared at my handwriting and then realized 12 means she’ll practically be a teenager! Luckily Leilani shows no sign of angst yet and she still showers me with kisses and hugs…so maybe she’ll be one of those teenagers that still loves her parents. Or maybe she just isn’t “there” yet.

Lauralei is just, well…she behaves like a 5 year old. In everything she does. She has been speaking eloquently since she was 1 1/2. She uses big words now. She understands EVERYTHING. I’m beginning to think we have a prodigy on our hands. Leilani and Forrest never showed this potential at age 2. I wonder what she is going to be like when she is older. Maybe I should be scared.

Forrest has been having some difficulty this summer. I’m itching to get him back into school, because I think structure helps him cope better. I don’t have much structure around here during the summer. Last summer I made the kids do workbooks, but this summer I’ve been lazy. Luckily he’s made a few new friends and is being more sociable. Seeing him outside interacting with the boys makes this mama very happy.

So, besides trying to make my business successful, taking care of my family and house, and learning new pole moves, I am also trying to lose tons of weight. I joined a Weight Loss support group and 2 of my friends from the mom’s group are in it. I’ve lost 10 lbs and several inches. There is a reward at the end, but I’m not too concerned with it at this point.

I’ve started walking more and just recently began running the track. I’ve only made it around 3 times, but for a 220 pound girl, that is an accomplishment! Well, in my eyes anyway. I’m going to aim for 4 next week, which I believe is a mile.

Most of the girls in the weight loss group have signed up for a half-marathon with me. We are doing it in August. It seems far away, but its not. I am trying to “train” myself to walk farther distances. I think the running will help too. I’ve made it around the track 9 times with a combination of running and walking. During the rest of the week I pole and lift weights. I’m ready to get back into being fit.

I was sort of fit for a while in Florida (and an inch away from a pair of size 14 jeans! ugh!) and I want to strive for that again. But I also want to lose the rest of this weight and be thin for once in my life. There was ONE moment in my life when I was truly thin. I was 14 and a size 12. Almost an 11.

I looked beautiful and I felt beautiful. I want to feel like that again.