Filed under: Depressing, Friends

Well I just typed a bunch of crap and erased it because it sounded so angry.

This entry is about Erin.

For months I have mourned the loss of her friendship. And tonight I spoke with her ex and he told me that she was right in not forgiving me for being absent at her mom’s memorial service. Him saying that drove the knife a little deeper into my heart.

Erin stopped talking to me, emailing me, calling me, seeing me after that day. Like I didn’t exist.

I have no closure. I keep seeking her out, trying to gain some perspective on this.

In August it will be a year. Its already been 9 months since I last spoke with her.

You know what? I really don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I needed to get it off my chest.

Its a struggle to make anyone understand my reasoning. I was crying tonight and tried not to make any sound so Matt wouldn’t notice. But, he did and he asked me about it. I told him it was nothing, but then he made me talk and once he knew he rolled his eyes and acted like I was an idiot.

And maybe I am… but..

I was raised by a very loving, forgiving mom and that all rubbed off on me. So if I’m hurting when someone no longer wants to be a part of my life, I’m sorry. That is who I am. I’m just too sensitive for this world I guess.

For anyone reading this probably seems like a trivial thing…its just life.

But for me, its much bigger than that. Erin was a huge chunk of my life. And now she is gone. And for me…its becoming a struggle to get over her…

Filed under: Depressing, Friends

I miss my mom. Again.

She flew away at midnight and it was like she never was here at all. She didn’t leave a trace of herself behind this time.

When I snuggled under the covers last night I thought about Erin and how horrible it must have been for her when she lost her mother. I still have mine and it hurts when she leaves, so I can’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to say goodbye to her forever. I thought about writing to Erin and apologizing. I don’t know if I ever said that in any of my letters to her.

Ignoring me isn’t the right way to say goodbye, but maybe its her way of coping. Maybe I stir up too many memories of her mother and she doesn’t want that. I was her friend while her mother was alive and her mother seemed to like me a lot. Sometimes I would call her “mom” and in turn Erin would call mine the same.

The last time I physically saw Darla was a few months after Lauralei was born. She wanted to see Lauralei but Erin suggested it wasn’t a good idea since she was sick. So I visited by myself, but I have always regretted not bringing Lauralei along. And I regret not seeing Darla a few more times. I spoke to her about 3 weeks before she succumbed to the cancer. I remember saying “hang in there” which seems so stupid now. Weeks prior I had thoughts about knitting her a hat, but I never did because life got in the way. And before I knew it, she she was gone.

I have a feeling Erin probably thinks I don’t think of her mother at all. She probably thinks I’m living my life and have forgotten all about hers.

I’m suffering right along with her, just not in the same way.

Filed under: Baby, Depressing, Rants

Last night was horrible! Lauralei wouldn’t go back to sleep. She kept rubbing her face and on top of that trying to rollover while I tried to hold her and rock her to sleep. Nothing worked. No matter what I did she continued to whine and cry. I was so frustrated I just didn’t know what to do. She’s been terrible these past few days during the day as well. All she wants is my attention. When Matthew holds her she freaks out and starts begging for mama. I hate it! I need a break from this child and I can’t get one. I think she needs to be away from me a few hours a day or something. Maybe that would help…

Last night I laid her down on the bed with me and tried to get her to sleep since nothing else worked. She cried and whined and tried to rollover some more and all I could do was cringe and hope she’d fall asleep. I held her arms down at one point and then held her legs down later on. Finally about an hour into the crying she started to give up and I fell asleep. She was a bit fidgety into the night but settled back down after I stroked her hair. At 7:00 this morning she woke up. I got 6 hours of sleep. Maybe. It was off and on.

Today I’m going to start breaking her of the habit of me. I tried it a month ago and couldn’t handle the crying because it broke my heart. But I need a life. I have none during the day. I turn our living room into a little enclosed area, with the couch and table blocking one side and her playpen blocking the other. And then she sits and plays on the floor and we watch tv and I sometimes will surf the net, but for the most part my computer will just sit there while I tend to the princess. My laundry has been sitting on my couch for 3 days now. My kitchen is a mess. Leilani’s birthday project sits in a drawer.

Then yesterday I get my last writing assignment back from the writing school. My instructor tells me its not good enough and wants me to re-write it! Its due May 24! WTF!? And here I thought I would be receiving my diploma so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pressure of deadlines and what not. I just want it so I can write when I have the time (which right now is NEVER) and send out magazine submissions later on. I’m so upset that she didn’t give me my diploma. I wanted to be done with it. I’ve been with the school since July 2005.

Matthew forgot to print out the pole business contract last night and so the manager of the company called and emailed me. I didn’t answer either, because I didn’t know when we’d get it faxed back to her. She’s a bit impatient to get her money and that pisses me off. I have a high maintenance baby, a special needs kid, and a drama queen soon-t0-be-teen, and I don’t need anymore shit from anyone!

I joined a weight loss challenge one of my friends started. Each person puts $100 into the pot and the winner takes all. Well, I didn’t know that she wouldn’t weigh us all personally. And then I didn’t know several people would live out of state. So I don’t trust anyone. Then to top it all off, on weigh-in day everyone loses 5 to 6 lbs and I am left with only a 2 lb loss. I feel like a loser and I now feel like I’m expected to lose each week, so I want out and I’m going to email her this morning and tell her. I hope she says its ok. I don’t want to waste $100 on something I’m not even going to try for. I will lose weight on my own time, when I have more willpower and more focus, which I don’t have any of right now.

I ‘m really looking forward to getting out tonight and walking. I don’t care if there is snow on the ground. I need to get away from my kids.

Filed under: Depressing

Heath Ledger was found dead!

I thought he was such a wonderful actor.