Filed under: Depressing

The guy I really truly liked is gone from my life.

I seem to fuck EVERYTHING up. Why have a relationship? Why even try? What is the point? I just screw it up somehow. With my first I was too clingy. This one I texted too much, which is sort of being clingy isn’t it? I really liked this guy. I thought things were working out. I do think its dumb to be mad at someone for texting too much. But then I went and did something else which pushed him even further away. So, if I had a chance at all, it’s completely gone.

Maybe I AM insane. Crazy does run in my family.

I’m going away for a while. Bye.

Filed under: Depressing

There is so much to do and think about right now that I just want it all to go away. I feel completely trapped. I have no job, so Matt won’t move out because in order for him to do that, I need to be making money to help pay the mortgage on the house. I have to help out with daycare costs too. Will my job even be enough to help pay for any of that? I think I should just move out, but he’s right..I’d never find a 3 bedroom apartment for cheap. I’d end up paying what we are for the house payment. A friend suggested the low income program could help with rent, but can I even get that? NO, because I’m still fucking married. I can’t get ANY benefits that I want because I’m married. Because he won’t sign the paperwork and get it over with.

I am done. I AM SO DONE.

I would like to just run away with the kids and move somewhere and start over, but that takes money. And I’d have no friends or family to help support me. I’m scared too. I’ve never been on my own before. How pathetic, right? I married Matt right after moving out of my parents home. I feel like such a loser.

And yeah I’m sorry this blog entry is depressing and I feel sorry for myself, but you would too if you were in my shoes. You’d feel just as frustrated and trapped. And scared. I hate living in the same house with this man. He makes it hard for me to be happy.

Happiness is all I ever wanted. I had some when we were first married and then he started the affairs and the pot and the drinking and it never stopped. Well, perhaps the affairs did, but nothing else. So it was back to being unhappy for me. Back to all the lying. Back to all the fighting.

There have been days that I just wanted to pour a bottle of sleeping pills down my throat and never look back. But, I don’t do it because I live for the kids. At this point, they are all I live for. THEY are what’s keeping me from doing something incredibly stupid. If I didn’t have them, well I can’t say I’d stick around.

Am I depressed? I think a little bit. I can be so happy and go lucky some days. Usually that is when I get out of the house. My kids drive me crazy, but I love them so much. And I hate him. I hate him and the hate is making it a darker place in my head. It’s consuming me.

I have to get out.

Filed under: Depressing

Yesterday I had a pole party. It was great and going well and then I checked my Facebook. And *he* had updated his status. He is leaving Alaska at the end of September or early October.

Upon reading that I felt like all the air had been sucked out of me. I couldn’t breathe. It just felt like a huge hole was inside of me getting larger and larger.

He hadn’t updated in almost a month and he hasn’t said a word to me. He didn’t delete me as his friend and I haven’t deleted him. I check in on him every day just to see if something has changed. I want to make sure he is ok.

I want a goodbye. I want him to tell me to my face.

But what I really want is this. This is the kind of goodbye I need…

I want him to call me and tell me to meet him at a hotel. And I want to make love to him all night long.

I want to kiss his lips and taste him once again. I want to caress his skin and feel the warmth…touch his muscular arms and his chest…kiss his neck, his earlobes, his cheek…tenderly brush my hand across his jawline and kiss him again and again…I want to tell him I am going to miss him, that I love him and that I don’t care how he feels about me…just being in that moment with him…a moment I can keep forever to myself…it will do. It will be ingrained in my memory forever… I want that blissful fantasy…my heart aches to see him again…my heart aches even deeper because he hasn’t told me goodbye…

Filed under: Depressing,Me

My little blog of craziness.

So life is weird right now. I feel like I’m stuck. Like I can’t move forward with my life and I can’t move backwards either. Matthew and I are getting a divorce. Our marriage is over and there is no going back. We can’t. Even if we wanted to. Too much has changed between us.

He met someone he works with. I met someone on the internet. Unfortunately for me, it looks like things are going downhill. For him, things are working out. My guy is in the military and seems to want to date other people. Where as with him, he has a girl who wants to spend time just with him.

I don’t know what is going on with my guy at the moment because I haven’t heard from him in 2 days. He has to go to some military schooling for 3 weeks starting tomorrow and I won’t be able to see him. But to not hear from him for a whole weekend? It makes me think he has found someone else to replace me and he doesn’t give a damn.

I think I’ve cried a lot of tears since meeting him. My emotions have gone up and down ever since meeting him to be honest. The first time we met I worried he wouldn’t like me and then when he wouldn’t call or text back I was paranoid he gave up on me. And now it’s much the same way but worse because I found he has a dating profile on a website. So what gives? This is why in my previous post, I feel like I am not enough.

Part of me wants to move on and find someone else, but then when I start looking at those dating sites (one in which I already signed up for – mainly to spy on him ha ha) I start to compare the guys I’m looking at with him. Are they tall? Are they adventerous? Do they have kids? Are they in the military? And then I start to feel sad, because I don’t want them. I want him. JUST HIM. I am so pathetic aren’t I?

I feel like we have a connection and he is just not getting it. We have some very strange coincidences in our lives. His biological daughter’s name is my first name. His step-daughter has my middle name. His mom is a nurse. So was my mom. He’s in the Army, so was my mom. We love the same music, we want the same things. We want to have the same adventures. I would go wherever he goes, if it came down to it. That is how much I already love him.

My heart is on my sleeve and I hate it. I wish I could wrap it up and toss it over my shoulder. I don’t want to be this girl who falls for someone at the drop of a hat. I hate how I am. Why can’t I be some tough bitch who doesn’t take shit from anyone? Why can’t I be her?

I sent 4 texts to my guy yesterday. No reply. I called him a dozen times but it goes straight to voicemail. Then I left a voicemail that said I was worried about him. This morning after not hearing from him, I left another. But, this one said that I’m confused and wondering if this is how he says goodbye to people. And if it is, that I would expect something more decent like saying it in person or at least over the phone. And with that I said goodbye and hung up. I am not going to text him or leave anymore voicemails. I am going to be strong. I think. It is so hard. Deep down I want to send him a thousand texts and a thousand voicemails and I want to know where the fuck he is and what he is doing. I’m a mess. A complete mess. All over some guy who won’t give me the time of day.

Love sucks.