Filed under: Friends, Me

I had her number and email in my phone and in my Gmail account…I left them there for months, thinking she would come back to me. But I know what I have to do now.

Today I heard this song on the radio and I thought about us.

No matter what you say about love,
I keep coming back for more,
Keep my hand in the fire,
Sooner or later, I get what I’m asking for

Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you

Filed under: Friends, Love

I saw a movie called “88 Minutes” yesterday. The main character said a wonderful quote.

“If I can’t forgive you, I don’t deserve you…”

Hearing it touched me and helped me realize that nobody deserves me and my friendship, if they cannot forgive me for what I have done. Especially if I have done nothing wrong at all…

Thank you Al Pacino.

Filed under: Depressing, Friends

Well I just typed a bunch of crap and erased it because it sounded so angry.

This entry is about Erin.

For months I have mourned the loss of her friendship. And tonight I spoke with her ex and he told me that she was right in not forgiving me for being absent at her mom’s memorial service. Him saying that drove the knife a little deeper into my heart.

Erin stopped talking to me, emailing me, calling me, seeing me after that day. Like I didn’t exist.

I have no closure. I keep seeking her out, trying to gain some perspective on this.

In August it will be a year. Its already been 9 months since I last spoke with her.

You know what? I really don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess I needed to get it off my chest.

Its a struggle to make anyone understand my reasoning. I was crying tonight and tried not to make any sound so Matt wouldn’t notice. But, he did and he asked me about it. I told him it was nothing, but then he made me talk and once he knew he rolled his eyes and acted like I was an idiot.

And maybe I am… but..

I was raised by a very loving, forgiving mom and that all rubbed off on me. So if I’m hurting when someone no longer wants to be a part of my life, I’m sorry. That is who I am. I’m just too sensitive for this world I guess.

For anyone reading this probably seems like a trivial thing…its just life.

But for me, its much bigger than that. Erin was a huge chunk of my life. And now she is gone. And for me…its becoming a struggle to get over her…

Filed under: Depressing, Friends

I miss my mom. Again.

She flew away at midnight and it was like she never was here at all. She didn’t leave a trace of herself behind this time.

When I snuggled under the covers last night I thought about Erin and how horrible it must have been for her when she lost her mother. I still have mine and it hurts when she leaves, so I can’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to say goodbye to her forever. I thought about writing to Erin and apologizing. I don’t know if I ever said that in any of my letters to her.

Ignoring me isn’t the right way to say goodbye, but maybe its her way of coping. Maybe I stir up too many memories of her mother and she doesn’t want that. I was her friend while her mother was alive and her mother seemed to like me a lot. Sometimes I would call her “mom” and in turn Erin would call mine the same.

The last time I physically saw Darla was a few months after Lauralei was born. She wanted to see Lauralei but Erin suggested it wasn’t a good idea since she was sick. So I visited by myself, but I have always regretted not bringing Lauralei along. And I regret not seeing Darla a few more times. I spoke to her about 3 weeks before she succumbed to the cancer. I remember saying “hang in there” which seems so stupid now. Weeks prior I had thoughts about knitting her a hat, but I never did because life got in the way. And before I knew it, she she was gone.

I have a feeling Erin probably thinks I don’t think of her mother at all. She probably thinks I’m living my life and have forgotten all about hers.

I’m suffering right along with her, just not in the same way.