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Filed under: Love

“Dear Heart,
Fall in love when you’re ready, NOT when you’re lonley.”

Filed under: Love,Me

A few months ago I had this big plan in my head. That Matt would stay in the house and we could get divorced and be roommates. I would get a job when the kids go back to school in the fall, Lauralei would be in daycare and all would be right in the universe.

What I didn’t realize, is that life with someone you are going to divorce, doesn’t stay the same. It changes. Completely. Especially if they end up getting a girlfriend. Even more so if they begin to enjoy their freedom a little too much.

I can’t count how many nights Matt hasn’t been home. He doesn’t spend very much time with the kids. What time he does spend with them is not very productive. His idea of spending quality time with his children is sleeping on the couch while they are in the living room watching tv or playing video games.

Since we told the kids, I have tried doing more with them. Going out to the park or taking a drive. Doing play dates. What I really want to do is drive out to Seward with them. We just haven’t had a chance. Plus I have to discuss it with Matt. He’ll probably say no because of gas money. In fact, I know he will.

When I told him he took it extremely hard. But within two weeks he seemed over it. Happy in fact. He immediately started seeing a couple girls from work. Now he has a girlfriend. He refuses to call her his girlfriend, telling me he doesn’t want to put a label on it. I find all that stuff so ridiculous. She’s your girlfriend dude. Get over it.

There are times when the green-eyed-monster rears her ugly head. Sometimes I wish I had more time to do my own thing. It seems every evening Matt is out seeing this girl and if I don’t plan ahead like he wants me to, I don’t get to do anything. But its hard to plan ahead. Sometimes plans with my friends are very last minute.

For me, getting over Matt happened a long time ago because of so many circumstances in our marriage. So for years I yearned for something…someone. When I met Mark, I wasn’t expecting much to happen between us. I thought upon meeting he wouldn’t like me. The moment I saw him, I knew he was what I had been looking for. I just wish he felt the same.

I loved everything about him. He inspired me to do more with my life. And he made me happy. Our time together was brief and it was wonderful. I fell in love and though it hurts more than words can say, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Filed under: Love,Me

I can’t let go… part of me wants to but the other part says no, he’ll call or he’ll text… stay…

Tonight I wrote a text to him. It took all my strength NOT to text or call him today, but tonight after my billionth sobfest I sent one …”I fell for you…I shouldn’t have, but I did…and you not talking to me really hurts…”

I am not expecting anything back…but it did feel good to let him know he crushed my heart and broke me into a million pieces. A million pieces I have to put back together again. Somehow.

I wish I had never met him.

Filed under: Love,Me