Filed under: Depressing

There is so much to do and think about right now that I just want it all to go away. I feel completely trapped. I have no job, so Matt won’t move out because in order for him to do that, I need to be making money to help pay the mortgage on the house. I have to help out with daycare costs too. Will my job even be enough to help pay for any of that? I think I should just move out, but he’s right..I’d never find a 3 bedroom apartment for cheap. I’d end up paying what we are for the house payment. A friend suggested the low income program could help with rent, but can I even get that? NO, because I’m still fucking married. I can’t get ANY benefits that I want because I’m married. Because he won’t sign the paperwork and get it over with.

I am done. I AM SO DONE.

I would like to just run away with the kids and move somewhere and start over, but that takes money. And I’d have no friends or family to help support me. I’m scared too. I’ve never been on my own before. How pathetic, right? I married Matt right after moving out of my parents home. I feel like such a loser.

And yeah I’m sorry this blog entry is depressing and I feel sorry for myself, but you would too if you were in my shoes. You’d feel just as frustrated and trapped. And scared. I hate living in the same house with this man. He makes it hard for me to be happy.

Happiness is all I ever wanted. I had some when we were first married and then he started the affairs and the pot and the drinking and it never stopped. Well, perhaps the affairs did, but nothing else. So it was back to being unhappy for me. Back to all the lying. Back to all the fighting.

There have been days that I just wanted to pour a bottle of sleeping pills down my throat and never look back. But, I don’t do it because I live for the kids. At this point, they are all I live for. THEY are what’s keeping me from doing something incredibly stupid. If I didn’t have them, well I can’t say I’d stick around.

Am I depressed? I think a little bit. I can be so happy and go lucky some days. Usually that is when I get out of the house. My kids drive me crazy, but I love them so much. And I hate him. I hate him and the hate is making it a darker place in my head. It’s consuming me.

I have to get out.

Filed under: Me

I’ve met someone. I really like him. He’s not my type at all. Perhaps that’s a good thing. We spoke for a week on the phone before meeting the first week of July. I am not going to write too much about him just yet. He is away right now and will be back at the end of the month. I can’t wait to see him. I believe the feeling is mutual. Hope I’m right

Filed under: Love,Me

A few months ago I had this big plan in my head. That Matt would stay in the house and we could get divorced and be roommates. I would get a job when the kids go back to school in the fall, Lauralei would be in daycare and all would be right in the universe.

What I didn’t realize, is that life with someone you are going to divorce, doesn’t stay the same. It changes. Completely. Especially if they end up getting a girlfriend. Even more so if they begin to enjoy their freedom a little too much.

I can’t count how many nights Matt hasn’t been home. He doesn’t spend very much time with the kids. What time he does spend with them is not very productive. His idea of spending quality time with his children is sleeping on the couch while they are in the living room watching tv or playing video games.

Since we told the kids, I have tried doing more with them. Going out to the park or taking a drive. Doing play dates. What I really want to do is drive out to Seward with them. We just haven’t had a chance. Plus I have to discuss it with Matt. He’ll probably say no because of gas money. In fact, I know he will.

When I told him he took it extremely hard. But within two weeks he seemed over it. Happy in fact. He immediately started seeing a couple girls from work. Now he has a girlfriend. He refuses to call her his girlfriend, telling me he doesn’t want to put a label on it. I find all that stuff so ridiculous. She’s your girlfriend dude. Get over it.

There are times when the green-eyed-monster rears her ugly head. Sometimes I wish I had more time to do my own thing. It seems every evening Matt is out seeing this girl and if I don’t plan ahead like he wants me to, I don’t get to do anything. But its hard to plan ahead. Sometimes plans with my friends are very last minute.

For me, getting over Matt happened a long time ago because of so many circumstances in our marriage. So for years I yearned for something…someone. When I met Mark, I wasn’t expecting much to happen between us. I thought upon meeting he wouldn’t like me. The moment I saw him, I knew he was what I had been looking for. I just wish he felt the same.

I loved everything about him. He inspired me to do more with my life. And he made me happy. Our time together was brief and it was wonderful. I fell in love and though it hurts more than words can say, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Filed under: Depressing

Yesterday I had a pole party. It was great and going well and then I checked my Facebook. And *he* had updated his status. He is leaving Alaska at the end of September or early October.

Upon reading that I felt like all the air had been sucked out of me. I couldn’t breathe. It just felt like a huge hole was inside of me getting larger and larger.

He hadn’t updated in almost a month and he hasn’t said a word to me. He didn’t delete me as his friend and I haven’t deleted him. I check in on him every day just to see if something has changed. I want to make sure he is ok.

I want a goodbye. I want him to tell me to my face.

But what I really want is this. This is the kind of goodbye I need…

I want him to call me and tell me to meet him at a hotel. And I want to make love to him all night long.

I want to kiss his lips and taste him once again. I want to caress his skin and feel the warmth…touch his muscular arms and his chest…kiss his neck, his earlobes, his cheek…tenderly brush my hand across his jawline and kiss him again and again…I want to tell him I am going to miss him, that I love him and that I don’t care how he feels about me…just being in that moment with him…a moment I can keep forever to myself…it will do. It will be ingrained in my memory forever… I want that blissful fantasy…my heart aches to see him again…my heart aches even deeper because he hasn’t told me goodbye…