Filed under: General

I learned that a friend’s husband died in Iraq on Tuesday. She is part of my downline and is such a sweet girl. They have a daughter who is about a year now I believe. Her husband was supposed to be coming home TODAY. It is just awful. I feel so badly for her and wish there were something I could do, even though I know there isn’t. Life is just a big fat mess sometimes.

Filed under: Me

Time has flown by and next week is my second post-op appointment. I’m relieved but I’m also feeling kind of scared because I know the recovery won’t be pain free. These last 7 weeks have been hell with the first 3 being the worst. I don’t have as much pain now, but everything frustrates me and my leg is a burden.

It’s not all bad. Today Matt took me to get a haircut and my eyebrows waxed. I thought I would come away feeling giddy and beautiful, but I don’t. Having a full length mirror in front of me while I had my hair done probably didn’t help.

The weight issue has been a big thing for me during this time. I can’t exercise worth a damn. If I want to sweat and get my heart rate up I could hop around a lot, but that leads to falling. I have terrible balance. I think since the accident I have fallen 5 times. None of them were bad falls, but its proof I should be careful when I use the crutches.

Nobody seems to understand WHY I choose not to go up or down the stairs with my crutches. I’d rather slide down on my butt and go up on my knees. I’m scared to death of falling down them and re-breaking my leg. Or worse. If they had a broken leg, maybe they would get it. For now they can all suck it.

My incision seems to be healing. There was a large scab that I thought was normal, but I think it was dried blood sitting on top of a scab. It continually kept coming off in bits and pieces (yes I know its gross, but its my blog) and one morning I took the dressing off of it (I wrap it every night because I’m a paranoid freak that something will hit or scratch it like Matt’s big scary toenails – he totally needs someone to tie him down and give him a pedicure!) and the entire scab pulled away. It hurt! And it left a nice little dent in my leg but its closing up and healing like the rest.

Sleeping at night is very uncomfortable. I sleep with a body pillow so my left (broken) leg can be on top of it. I sleep sideways, usually on my right side, so underneath the body pillow is my right leg and a regular pillow making the body pillow higher (got all that?). But every couple hours I get tired of sleeping on my right side so I turn to my left and I end up doing this while half asleep. So when I wake up my broken leg may still be on the pillow, but its in pain so I have to turn over again. A few nights I’ve grabbed a Percocet because I couldn’t stand it. Last night was almost one of those nights.

I’m worried about what walking will be like. My leg is atrophied. It jiggles, which is so unlike my right leg that has beautiful muscle in it. So when I stand up, it feels like its going to give out. I wonder how in the world I’m going to build it back up to what it once was. I wonder when I’ll walk normally. But what I really want to know is when will I be able to dance again on the pole? I miss my job.

Filed under: Family, Me, My Business, Rants

I am 5 days now Post-Op. I had surgery on my leg Monday because it was my only option. I was scared (mostly about Anesthesia) but I made it through ok

My leg and foot are feeling a lot better than they were. It still swells when I put it down or have to get up, but for the most part, it’s progressing. I took a lot of Percocet the first few days. Now I’m down to one. I don’t like the side effects. Makes me wonder why anyone would want to take these on purpose. They take away the pain but I certainly don’t have a euphoric high.

Next Monday I get to see the doctor again. He’ll probably take my stitches out if the wound looks good. I may be getting a cast too. Hopefully whatever happens is for the best. I’m tired of all this bad luck.

Speaking of, our oven died. The stove works, but the oven doesn’t cook food well. And we just bought it last year. We didn’t fill out the registration or warranty forms. Bad idea. Yeah, don’t ever do that.

I’ve been working on my MySpace page and I think it looks nice. I need to get an avatar up. I want one of my Barbie on the pole business card holder I own, but haven’t had a chance to take a picture. That is another thing I’ve been slacking on. Pictures. I have so many from the beginning of the year to now, just sitting in my cameras. I need to update my Flickr.

It sucks not being able to do anything. I miss cleaning and I miss cooking. I miss being able to tuck my baby girl into bed and sing her good night. I miss helping out with the kids.

Matt has a short fuse and yells a lot. This angers me because yeah, I yell some, but not like that. He needs to have more patience with them. I’ve told him this a few times and he says he knows, but he doesn’t understand. I swear I married my father. Great job Mary.

So the marriage is rocky, we are way in over our head with bills, I’m handicapped, the oven is broke, my business is postponed until I heal, Leilani needs braces, the kids need clothes and school supplies, yadda yadda yadda.

I’m really hoping a bit of luck runs our way soon. Thinking about our run of bad, exhausts me.

Filed under: Me

So many years. Such a waste of them all. Stupid Charade.